THE HUSBANDO SYNDROME

 I dont remember where or when i read it or hear it, but some time ago i hear someone says the "platonic" love was the best mode of love and the most pure and fullfilling because it didnt deal with expectations or dissapointment. Even in many cultures of the past it was seen as something worth porsuing (like in ancient Greece or Japan) and i really agree with it!! But at the same time the more times goes by, the most difficult it gets.

I think i have the Husbando Syndome or the Admirer Syndrome, i dont know how to call it but both are the same thing but from the different side of the coin. Each time i see a man i like i pretty much run at the other side pretty fast, as far away as i can but enough to have a good view of him, then i look at him, examin him, from the safety of the shadows, i obsses with him and idealize him a lot until he somehow turns into a kind of fiction man with a 3D skin on him.

This has happen to me over the years many times and at first i didnt even notice. I always loved my 2D husbandos since i was a teen and at times those characters are my confort and let me survive harships, but i also notice real men i like are in the same pedestal for me. I really have no idea ho to gte close or wath to do with them once i find them, that the sad truth.

Another truth is how a few times in the past i did get close to know more about them and after a few days or even hours, i end up hugelly dissapointed because they are usually assholes, toxic, stupid or plain mean or boring and uninteresting in the best case, soo i thik i am also kind of afraid to get close to them and see the magic dissapeare or worst yet....much worse yet.....see the magic exist but not being good enough for me.

The more older i get the more confortable i feel with this Husbando Syndrome but my frustration gres bigger and bigger. Sometimes....yhea, its soo difficult, soo difficult they are nothing but an image, and ideal or something unreachable, sometimes we share a couple of messages and i end saying "dont worry, i am just an admirer from a far away land" because i know nothing will happen.

It soo odd to be in peace with it and very confortable and yet ugelly frustrated like a bomb getting hoter and hoter. I just wonder if this will bring me more troubles later in my life.

I HATE THE INTERNET

 

Yep, i said it and i think thats another reason why i dont upload art anymore, because my dislike for the internet is pretty high.

I remember the begining of the century, the childhood of the internet literally, starting up the PC was expecting a lot of fun and excitment, aside of watching low quality videos or listen to music in Winamp or play extremelly primitive games, internet was an amazing gateaway to meet people from the other side of the world. Meeting new people was exciting because the only population on it was the nerds, lonely people eager to make new friends.

We find out elements that joins us, tastes in music, hobbys, movies, we put everything we love in front to be known by others and know others as well. I think is not necesary to say how internet is now, a gateaway to complaign and discuss to strangers, insult them and cancel them, something pretty easy to do but eventually leave us dry of any interest.

And while i meet some amazing people thanks to the internet, i am extremelly happy i had a childhood offline and with no PC at all, completelly focused in real world and those are the happyest memories i have of my entire life. Somehow i feel like i was wiser back then, more focused and with better prioritys.

Backn in the 2000s i remember my mother once told me "are you going to stay in front of the PC all your life saving pictures??", i didnt say anything but i tough "yes, why not?", but now, all the places i used to visit dont exist no more or are completelly empty. Places like DeviantART are shamefull and not usefull anymore while social media like Twitter or Facebook are extremelly censored and dosnt let you write certain words of show certain topics.

Then i was kicked out by Tumblr and later on, NewTumbl.....to be honest, i feel like i have no place on the internet anymore. I got Pixiv for my art but thats quiet a cold place and i have this place as well, wich is completelly empty and lonely soo while i have a place for my art i dont have too much of a palace i can call home in the internet or a place to draw my interest and atention.

Curate our own experience on the internet is trickyer than it sounds, specially in a space full of ADs, AI slops and gramathical limitations. Blusky is a nice iption but still, i dont feel very excited to start over in a brand new place and - oddly enough - seen the same people as always there.

I know it sounds awfull and this whole entry sounds like the complaing of a lonely old man but maybe thats wath i am, and that depress me because i am too young for that!!! I need to surf the internet like i used to and find my own way to a corner i dont feel like i am talking to a wall in a giant empty room but is much trickyer than it sounds.

SHIBE

 I think is time to give some life to this place. I know i promise to not post anything else thats not art related, but this has been relevant for my life like no other thing and i really want to keep this place up as a  personal corner for mine.

Some years ago i was at peace with my condition of being alone, i was used to it and i somehow find acceptance with it, i felt confortable but then life give me the most wonderfull gift i could expect: a SHIBE and i am not talking of an actual dog in here but a man who loved me the most. I didnt knew how to get all that love at first but i tough to myself "maybe my happynes is rigth here? Maybe this is once in a life time chance?" soo i decided to give it a try and i found happynes in the happynes on someone else.

A totally new experience to me that i learn to embrace and in exchangue it gives me more memories and events in four 4 years than the ones i experienced in 15 years. Sadly, my secluded way of life i build myself upon me wasnt big enough to contain his gigantic heart soo now i am alone again but extremelly lucky to still have him on my life.

A few days ago i was playing one of the games we used to play together and it felt like it was 2021-2023 again. I know those pandemic years were hellish for a lot of people and many lost everything there, but for me i was actually happy, playing games by night with him at times, chating constantly, going to the theather or eating good food the weekends with him, visiting him to watch anime together or play videogames at night, being able to talk with him about things i dont usually talk with other people.

I remember he telling me "you dont aspire to much more?" and honestly, it was a little difficult for me do it because i was actually happy the way it was tough i always seen us together in my future. And i hate that from happynes....you dont notice it until its over.

He expanded my gamer experience by making me play games i had a lot of fun with and he even bough FF XVI to play it at the same time as me soo we could chat about him. I mean, i remember how much i beg people to get Soul Calibur IV in 2018 and how all my friends didnt give a shit, but he bought, played and finished FF XVI just for me and he was pretty much the only person i could talk about that game. I never meet someone who do that with me and i know i will never meet someone like that ever again, he had the best of the best intentions towards me and his love was soo genuin, i am the luckyest in the world to spent the time i had with him!!

For 35 years Valentine Day means nothing to me until he arrives and now this my first Valentine Day alone again and while i am actually depressed and - maybe worst - very nostalgic about it, my time with him made me feel like my days before he arrives were a waste but i dont want to feel like that anymore, i want to change things up and made him happy again.

Thats part of the reason why didnt upload more art here in the last year, i was busy being happy, but as stupid and ridiculos as it sounds, i still dont give up on art and i want to get in track again little by little, i also want to write storys and i will try to write as much as i can in here because i dont want this palce to feel like a hollow cementery of my past life, like 99% of the blogs i link with.

I will continue talking about him in here because is imposible not to do it since his influence in my life has been great in the last years but i will try to post more instronspection about myself as well and more art i hope!!