When i was in my 20s i had a HUGE sex drive, i mean, i think thats pretty normal; i watched A LOT of porn and i was up to date with the different actors and studios and the latest movies, i wrote an awfull lot of horny stories and i draw lots of lots of bara. I remember i had a lot of fun but at the same time it was soo frustrating. Like....very frustrating because i only saw things on the screen and it always ended in the same way; masturbation.
As much as i love masturbation i feel all that energy was being wasted in the same single way every single day and could not experiment in detail everything i wanted. Then sex turned into frustration for me, both words fused and i could not think on one of them without the other and i actually ahd sex back then but somehow....it wasnt as good as i was hoping, not nearly as good and that added even more to my frustration.
Eventually i made peace with it and joked a lot about me turning asexual but in truth it wasnt too much of a joke because my sex drive just stoped going up and started going down. Like i already said, i feel in peace with it and my creative side pretty much die with it as well. Drawing and writing got much harder than before and i didnt saw too much point on doing it anymore.
Yes....its strange but i managed to escape from one hell by jumping to another hell. The frustration moved from one place to another and i feel like thats the biggest part of my life; frustration. And i hate that.
Latelly tough i been thinking and fantasizing a lot about the sex life i want to have and all the stuff i want to feel and i hate it because i am feeling the frustration i felt in my 20s. Evidently i cant fullfill my needs if i dont have the rigth person to do it but i also dont feel like i have the physical condition to do it either and i dont even know how to get wath i want either soo....frustration.
I may try to use that sex energy into draw or write something to get it out a little bit but i got the feeling this will get worse the older i get. I am very afraid to be 80 years old and still yearning for the same thing and wishing i lived things i can no longer experience. Maybe this is the crisis of old age? Theres soo much i want to explore and find out what i trully like but i always chicken out soo fast.
I even been thinking on take sex teraphy too but i dont know if that would fix it or even how to start or use such a service.
